- Disclaimer -

I mean that. Seriously, you don't have to read this, you know. There are plenty of better things to do with your time. Time is valuable. You'll thank me in the long run (actually you won't, will you, you ungrateful bastard? You won't even give it a second thought and nor should you).

It was originally quite vague, but it's now known by a few people (luckily, people that I like).

Any views expressed of course, are my own.

Of course, if you do stumble upon this and don't know me, feel free to get in touch, it'll be interesting.

Sunday, 19 July 2015

Need to do stuff.

Any stuff, really.

Now I'm more under control, I recognise why I was making myself so isolated and weird (part selfishness, part fear and all counter-productive is the short answer to that) but I'm not sure why it seems so difficult to resume normal life. I suppose I've let myself get into this comfort zone and I'm reluctant to disrupt it. But I need to see people again. Got to make the effort.

It's guilt, of course, I still feel like I let everyone down, even though there's no real reason to think it, but hey, it's one of my things. I'm apprehensive how people will react, I suppose. And everything's changed so much; the stuff that used to define my life to a large extent is no longer there. I suppose it's inevitable really; more than half my waking hours for the last twenty years or so have been in one way or another devoted to work, and now they're not. It's a wrench, that's for sure. There's certainly a new sense of freedom, sometimes even of optimism, but you wonder where the time goes. And of course, being me, I feel guilty for not using all this time more constructively. Guilt guilt guilt.

Anyway, I'm going to have to change as before I know it I'll be into another self-absorbed, unhealthy rut. So I'm determined to see people this week. I'm a bit apprehensive about it - everyone's going to be so understanding and nice that I could well burst out crying - but I'll just have to handle whatever comes. I think I'm on top of it enough now.

Fingers crossed...

[Edit @ 22/09/2016:  Now this is the sort of thing that I meant to write when I started this, but got sidetracked]

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