...And back in the room

Been awhile.

Don't know if that's good or bad really. Bad I think, have had some bad days the last week for some reason; I've been avoiding writing.

Which of course defeats the purpose of this thing in the beginning (if indeed that was it).

I tell myself I'm avoiding putting the whole thing down because I want it to be coherent, but that's never going to work. Although every day I can identify maybe one or two things that point to something, they're often vague and offer no clue as to where they might fit in (considering the mind as analogous to a jigsaw), it's not like there's ever going to be a time when I understand it all.

Part of it is because even now, even after all this time, I'm sure there's things I'm not admitting to myself, or not allowing myself to know. It's a bit like the brain has put a superinjunction on certain things; I know that they're there but I can't access them (and to stretch the analogy, there could be a level above that, like when a separate superinjunction is taken out to stop the reporting of the existence of the original superinjunction; I would be completely unaware of these, of course).

Some of it is just because I'm ashamed to admit it. I spent such a long time suppressing everything and not showing emotion that it's still difficult to express things, certainly in public. This is public, right? Rhetorical question, it's public only in the sense that it's possible for people other than me to see it, but as nobody knows who is writing it, and I haven't told anyone, then I think it probably occupies a space somewhere between private and public.

Sometimes I think I might be holding back from writing things simply because of the fact that other people can see it (whether by accident or design) and might guess who's writing. This is so unlikely that I don't even know why I consider it (or for that matter, why it would be a Bad Thing if it happened).

In any case, it would have been easy just to set up this sort of thing and just not publish it, or keep it readable only to myself, but I don't think that would have satisfied whatever need it is that I have to...express...something.

It's not the first time I've written this, but I'm sure some of these entries are going to make a lot more sense to me at some point in the future.